the spirit of Chuck
Zly POLIS - ZLYPO
THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD
35 AD - The original Jesus dies. "DAD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? BOO-HOO, IM A BIG WET VAGINA."
36-1939 AD - Nothing really happens.
March 10th, 1940 - 12:05 AM - Chuck Norris is born on Christmas day (March 10th, 1940) in a Ryan, Oklahoma manger to a virgin mother. The old Christmas, December 25, is never celebrated again.
March 10th, 1940 - 12:06 AM - Norris' legendary beard/mustashe combo already surpases that of his father.
March 11th, 1940- The Three Wise Men visit the manger - Norris' first words: "I don't need your charity you pinko-commie bastards."
1941- His first round house kick fells rival baby at day care. That baby grows up to be impotent.
1944 - as a toddler Chuck first exhibits his supernatural powers by lifting a fallen tractor off his virgin father
1947- Does his first rep on the Total Gym JR ™ .
1948 - at age 8 chuck is the youngest Jesus to ever earn his level one black belt (the previous youngest, at age 12, was Funk K. Jesus)
1953 - earns level 15 black belt by kicking his instructor's head off
1955 - eats a whole pizza pie in one sitting
1957 - at age 17, Chuck enters rebelious teenage period of his life. Indulges in drunken all-night karate show-downs and pulls a still beating heart from one opponent's chest
1958 - in a drunken rage, he digs up the first Jesus' grave and kicks the shit out of his ancient bones
1959 - Performs his first of many miracles - turns own urine into beer; drinking buddies (George Bush Jr.) delighted
1963 - turns Japanese (then quickly back)
1969 - lands on the moon ahead of Neil Armstrong to assure his safety
1970 - frees every American prisoner of war from Vietnam under the codename "Braddock"
1975 - busts all the ghosts at Studio 54 and stays on to dance with the ladies
1980- Pontious Jimmy Carter tries to crucify Norris. Noris doesn't use any of that "why have thou forsaken me?" bullcrap; instead he quickly roundhouses Carter out of a second term.
1981- Chuck rejoices, with the world, at the birth of a child. A child named Snuggles...
1985 - After seeing a vision from God (Val Kilmer as "Iceman" in Top Gun) Chuck Norris enters his infamous flat top period
1989 - Berlin wall comes down. Soviet soldier's first sight of West Berlin: Chuck Norris with a hard look on his face. God-less communists quickly crumble due to fear.
1991- kicks the shit out of drugs
1993 - makes cinematic history with the masterpiece "Forest Warrior"
1994 - unleashes a fury of round houses so rapidly that he travels back in time
1995 - marries some ho
1999 - punches through a brick wall and dodges a full clip of bullets
Sept 11, 2001 - has one long, continous orgasm... all day
2003 - resolves U.S- Iraq war by beating up all the cock-gobbling protestors on the home front
Future (as predicted by scripture) -
2007 - brings about world peace (finally) - also, permanently gets rid of drugs
2011 - Single handedly puts down the robot uprising. Terminator scenario averted.
2013 - (August)- Cruscified, rises, blah blah blah...
2013 - (Sept) - Ascends into heaven - seated at the right hand side of God (the old Jesus is demoted).
alebo Wolkr Tex rejndzr
Verba ita sunt intelligenda, ut res magis valeat quam perea...