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spectre0
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Musim priznat, ze su to moje najoblubenejsie anekdoty. Ftipy maloktoreho naroda tak hlboko prenikaju do podstaty bytia danej komunity. Su ftipne a smutne zaroven. Hlboka sebaironia, ale i vysmech antisemitizmu.
Budem citovat Karla Polacka z knihy Zidovske anekdoty:
"Je to poteicky vyraz rasy, ktera prozila veky v opovrzeni, v ustrcich a ponizeni. Zidovskemu lidu nebylo doprano, aby vybijel svou energi v usilovani po hodnostech, po svetske moci a po cinech valecnickych. Ve dne se zid zabyval obchodem, lichvou, lekarstvim a jinym opovrzenihodnym zamestnanim. Vecer pak stahl zaclony, odloucil se od sveta a usedl ke stolu, aby premital a mudroval nad svatym pismem a Talmudem. Misto cinu miloval slovo. Svoji naklonnost venoval logice. Nalezl zalibeni nejen v logickem obsahu slova, ale dovedl take pochopiti druhou, skrytejsi stranku slova, ktera je zjevna detem a basnikum, ale neznama lidem hlucnym a svetskym: seznal, ze slovo ma mocnou silu asociativni a ze dovede zit samostatne. Dialektika teologickych spisu presla zidum do krve. Proto zidovske anekdoty vynikaji svou britkou formou a logickym obsahem."

Skusme zozbierat niektore zidovske anekdoty a spolocne sa nad nimi zamysliet i zabavit.





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pesiak
 pesiak      24.11.2020 - 16:22:10 [2K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Ak to tu este nebolo, tak tu je par dobrych kuskov:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_humor

Napr. hned prvy:
Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the shul for morning services.

"I thought we had agreed there was no God," he said.

"Yes, what does that have to do with it?" replied the other.

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      28.11.2020 - 22:09:00 , level: 2, UP   NEW
toto je delo

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      22.11.2020 - 20:28:13 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.


One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.


Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read
to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and
began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him
and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give
him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read

to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with
me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

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Kuzmics
 Kuzmics      17.11.2020 - 16:24:27 [6K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Keď vznikla Tretia ríša, v Nemecku sa každá druhá anekdota o führerovi začínala vetou: Kohn a Grün cestujú vlakom; chvíľu mlčky sedia, potom sa ozve Kohn... zakrátko však začali tieto vtipy zakazovať a ich interpretov stíhať. Od tých čias sa anekdoty začínali ináč: Dvaja Číňania cestujú po rieke Jang-c'-ťiang v džunke. Chvíľu mlčky sedia, potom jeden Číňan povie druhému: Počujte Kohn...

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SYNAPSE CREATOR
 Trilobite      10.11.2020 - 18:09:48 [16K] , level: 1, UP   NEW  HARDLINK
"Rabbi, slyšel jste to? Můj děda volil Bidena! On celoživotní republikán, celá rodina republikánská, taková ostuda."
"Uklidněj se, Silberstein, kdyby byl naživu, nikdy by to neudělal."

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pesiak
 pesiak      04.11.2020 - 08:22:21 , level: 1, UP   NEW
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?

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Mr. Darcy
 Mr. Darcy      04.11.2020 - 08:26:08 , level: 2, UP   NEW
Greta: Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask after all I've done?

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      01.11.2020 - 21:00:42 (modif: 01.11.2020 - 21:01:22) [3K] , level: 1, UP   NEW !!CONTENT CHANGED!!
The son of a Jewish immigrant to England grew up loving every aspect of English society and culture. He was highly successful in business drove a Rolls Royce, owned a home in London as well as a house in the country, sent his kids to the finest British boarding schools and literally revelled in this good fortune.
However there was a problem: his elderly father, whom he loved very much, was still stuck in his old world ways: davening three times a day, with a long beard, still speaking with a heavy accent, he had made no effort to assimilate.
Finally the man couldn't stand it any more and decided to give his father a complete makeover in an attempt to make him look and act more English
First he takes his father to Saville Row and buys him a new suit, next they go to Jermyn Street for an expensive shirt, tie and shoes and then to the best barber in London where they cut his father's hair, trim his beard and give him a manicure.
Finally he drives his father back home walks him upstairs, throws open the closet door to reveal a mirror.
"Take a look at yourself Dad" he says " you have been transformed into a proper English gentleman.*
The father takes one look at his reflection and immediately bursts into tears. Dismayed the son says "Dad Dad what's the problem?"
The father sobbingly replies: "I can't believe ve lost India!"

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Heaven and Hell
 Heaven and Hell      15.10.2020 - 13:51:09 [9K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Miriam and Sharon, long-time friends, are catching up on one another's lives by telephone.

"But that's enough about me," says Miriam. "I hear your son Isaac has a very successful neurology practice in Brooklyn!"
"Yes, yes," says Sharon. "I could kvell for days."
Continues Miriam, "And that's to say nothing of Reuven. Our first Jewish President of the United States... and he's your son!!"

"Ah yes," replies Sharon, disappointment creeping into her voice. "Reuven... the one who's not a doctor."

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      17.10.2020 - 19:21:25 [3K] , level: 2, UP   NEW
:)
mam radsej tuto verziu

The first Jewish president calls up his mother and invites her over for Passover. Characteristically, his mother immediately begins complaining.

"Oiy, I'll need to book a flight and it's going to cost so much - it is just too much of a bother."

Her son counters, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll hire a private jet for you!

"Oiy, I'll need to catch a taxi and carry my luggage. It's just too much!"

"Mom! I'm the President! I'll pick you up in my limo! Then my guards will carry your luggage for you!"

"Oiy, I'll need to book a hotel."

"Mom! Don't be ridiculous! I'm the President! You can stay at the White House!"

"Okay, fine," she finally acquiesces. Two minutes later her friend Sophie, calls.

"So, Miriam, what's new?"

"Oiy, I'm going to my son for Pesach."

"Who, the doctor?"

"No, the other one."

00000101000635390006355601196344087949940879590008796099
Heaven and Hell
 Heaven and Hell      18.10.2020 - 10:04:45 [3K] , level: 3, UP   NEW
som ho prvy krat pocul ked som bol v klastore v Korei od jedneho zenoveho majstra, povodom american zo zidovskej rodiny, v tejto verzii:

Two mothers talk and one proudly mentions "My son is the president of the united states."
The other one asks "And is he a doctor?"

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      30.09.2020 - 21:18:16 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
An El Al plane lands at Ben Gurion Airport in Tel Aviv the morning of December 25. As they land, the pilot makes the following announcement: "Please remain seated with your seatbelts securely fastened while we taxi to the terminal. To those of you seated with your seatbelts securely fastened, Merry Christmas. To those of you in the aisles getting your suitcases from the overhead bins, welcome home."

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      11.09.2020 - 08:39:40 [19K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
"Tvůj otec získal červený diplom, tvoje matka získala červený diplom, i tvoje sestra získala červený diplom... jak to vidíš ty, Šlomo?"
"Nu Mojše, vidím to na konec jedné éry..."

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      11.08.2020 - 23:40:48 [3K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Volá Kohn své matce :
- Jak se ti vede mamaleben ? -
- Děkuji za optání Izák, docela dobře. -
- Promiňte paní,spletl jsem si číslo....

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      11.08.2020 - 22:38:49 [8K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Rabín se diví: "Tady čtu, že skupina Shalom "pokřtila" svou novou desku... Ale přemýšlím, zda vzhledem k jejich názvu ji měli spíš "obříznout!

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      09.08.2020 - 00:15:46 [8K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Aaron Bergman, obchodní cestující zkouší získat nového zákazníka, majitele malé továrny. Na úvod mu nabídne mu krabici doutníků.
„Děkuji, ale nezlobte se, doutník jsem kouřil jen jednou a nechutnalo mi to.“
„Tak co láhev prvotřídního koňaku?“, nedá se odbýt Bergman.
„Ne, opravdu ne. Jednou jsem ochutnal skleničku, ale nic mi to neříká.“
„A nechtěl byste si v neděli oddechnout venku? Pozval bych vás do našeho soukromého golfového klubu,“ přihazuje obchodník.
„Kdepak, golf jsem jednou hrál, ale nebavilo mě to.“
V tom do kanceláře vstoupí asistent.
„To je můj syn,“ představí ho továrník.
„Nechte mě hádat,“ řekne Bergman, „jedináček, že?“

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Strapataaa
 Strapataaa      05.08.2020 - 17:36:19 [20K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Vystěhovává se Roubíček ze Sovětského Svazu do Izraele. Na hranicích mu celníci najdou v kufru bustu Lenina.
Ptají se: "Co to je?"
"To se ptají špatně, "povídá Roubíček, "Měli by se zeptat, kdo to je? To je Lenin! Zachránce proletariátu celého světa, zakladatel mé milované vlasti, Sovětského Svazu, génius, který naplnil Marxovy myšlenky..."
"Dobře, můžete jít...", říkají celníci.
Na izraelské hranici celníci znovu najdou Leninovu bustu a ptají se ho:
"Co to je ?"
"To se ptají špatně," povídá Roubíček, "měli by se zeptat, kdo to je? To je Lenin! Šílenec, co přivedl polovinu světa do chudoby, největší zločinec dvacátého století, ...."
"Dobře, dobře, můžete jít..." říkají celníci.
Roubíček přijede ke svým příbuzným, vybaluje si věci. Jeho synovec si všimne
Leninovy busty a ptá se:
"Strýčku, kdo to je?"
"Ale to se ptáš špatně, synovče, měl by ses zeptat, co to je ? "To je pět kilo neprocleného zlata!"

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      07.08.2020 - 08:50:01 , level: 2, UP   NEW
citam ho asi desiatykrat a prvy raz sa na nom rehocem

dik :)

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      04.08.2020 - 20:06:44 [7K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Grun cestou Monte Carlem najednou uslyší ´´ Hned zastav, prodej co můžeš a jdi do toho kasina tady na rohu, tam vsaď v ruletě všechno na červenou dvanáctku na prvním stole vpravo. ´´ Grun se zarazí a řekne si, to je asi tím vedrem, že slyším hlasy nejspíš z úpalu. Za chvíli se ale znovu zřetelně ozve ´´Povídám Ti, zajdi tady do toho kasina potom cos prodal auto, manželku, hodinky, telefon a všechno co má cenu. Tam na prvním stole vpravo pak všechno vsaď na červenou dvanáctku ! ´´ Tak už tedy ze všeho blázním, pomyslí si Grun, kdo to mluví ? ´´To jsem já, tvůj vnitřní hlas Grune ´´ zazní mu nanovo v hlavě. ´´Radím ti dobře, udělej co jsem ti už dvakrát popsal a jsi za vodou.´´ Grun tedy uposlechne, prodá ženu, auto , všechny cennosti, vejde do onoho kasina a tam skutečně na prvním stole vpravo všechno vsadí na červenou dvanáctku. Tu ruleta zpomaluje - až nakonec kulička zapadne do černé třináctky. Grun se skoro v mdlobách potácí ven a hlavou se mu nese onen známý hlas ´´No to je ale průůůser !!! ´´

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      02.08.2020 - 05:55:02 [17K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Pan Blumenfeld s celou rodinou a mnoha zavazadly přistoupí k přepážce na letišti.
"Mohu se zeptat, jaký je účel vaší cesty?"
"Opouštíme zemi, protože se k nám dostala informace, že se tu chystá pronásledování Židů a ornitologů."
"Ježišmarja, proč právě ornitologů?"
"No vidíte, tak právě proto odtud utíkáme."

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XcomeX
 XcomeX      02.08.2020 - 21:55:37 , level: 2, UP   NEW
...no ten je povedený!
.pobavilo.

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      08.07.2020 - 00:07:49 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Ustaraný hlas na dětském hřišti někde v Brooklynu:
"Áronku, nebij toho Icíka. Budeš zpocený."

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      08.07.2020 - 00:06:34 [6K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Po prilete do Izraela, policajtka na letisku kontroluje ruskeho Zida:
"Ako sa volate?"
Muz jej mlcky poda navstivenku.
"Kolko mate rokov?"
Muz ukaze v pase na datum narodenia.
"Mate tu pribuznych?"
Muz vytiahne fotografiu a ukaze ju policajtke.
Kolega policajtky sa k nej nakloni a ticho hovori: "Velmi ta prosim, nepytaj sa ho, ci je Zid!"

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      28.06.2020 - 20:58:17 [9K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Jednou někde v Sovětském svazu ve 30. letech zazvonil telefon v centrále KGB.

"Čest práci, soudruzi. To je KGB?"

"Ano, tady je centrála KGB. Co chcete?"

„Volám, abych ohlásil svého souseda Izáka Rabinovitze za nepřítele státu, protože v kůlně v hromadě dříví skrývá nehlášené diamanty.“

"Díky, soudruhu, prověříme to."

Následujícího dne přijedou do Rabinovitzova domu gójové z KGB. Hledají v kůlně a rozsekají každý kus dřeva, na který přijdou, ale žádné diamanty nenajdou a zklamaně odjedou. Večer v domě Rabinovitze zazvoní telefon.

"Ahoj, Izáku! Přišli z tobě z lidi KGB?"

"Ano, přišli."

„A nasekali ti dříví?“

"Ano, rozsekali mi všechno dříví, co jsem měl v kůlně na zimu."

„Dobře, tak teď je řada na tobě. Já bych zase potřeboval zorat políčko za domem.“

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s7
 s7      27.06.2020 - 12:52:58 [6K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
U Sáry Mondstahlové najdou mrtvého bankéře Hauptberga. Policie zahájí vyšetřování a Sára vypravuje:
„Já jsem v tom nevinně, pane komisaři. Seznámila jsem se s ním ve středu v kavárně. On mi nabídl sto marek, bude-li moci pohladit moje vlasy. Tak jsem souhlasila. Druhý den mi nabídl pět set marek za jeden polibek. No to je přece kšeft! Tak jsem souhlasila. A dneska přiběhl, že beze mě nevydrží, že mě musí mít celou a že mi dát pět tisíc marek. Tak mu na to povídám, že normálně to dělám za dvacet marek, a ono to s ním švihlo.“

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sestra
 sestra      14.06.2020 - 13:10:15 [18K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
„Kohn, příteli, otázečku: Kolik by snědli pěkně vypečenejch rohlíčků na lačný žaludek?”

Kohn se zasní: „Tak tři, čtyři.”

„Prdlajs, jeden!” směje se Roubíček. „Ostatní by už nejedli na lačno!”

Kohn přijde domů: „Sára, kolik bys snědla rohlíčků na lačno?”

„No, sotva jeden,” je překvapená Sára.

„To je škoda,” říká smutně Kohn, „mohl jsem ti říct bezvadnej vtip.”

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up& X
 up& X      10.06.2020 - 19:37:05 [2K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Jeden Madar zaluje Zida pro urazku na cti. Zid mu vycetl "chucpe". Soudce slovo vubec nezna a zada Zida o jeho vysvetleni. Zid prohlasi vyraz za neprelozitelny. Nakonec se uvoli a prelozi chucpe jako "drzost". "Jenomze", doda, "to neni zadna obycejna drzost, ale drzost s gevure."
Soudce: "A co je to gevure?"
"Gevure - to je sila."
"Chucpe je tedy silna drzost?"
"Ano i ne. Gevure neni proste jen sila, ale sila se sejchl."
"A co znamena sejchl?"
"Sejchl - to je rozum."
"Chucpe je tedy silna, rozumna drzost?"
"Neeeee. Sejchl, pane soudce, neni zkratka jen rozum. Je to rozum s taam (sarm, britkost)."
"Dobre - a co je taam?"

"No“, kouknou, pane soudce, „taam je zrovna neco, co se gojovi vubec vysvetlit neda."

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SYNAPSE CREATOR
 belo      07.06.2020 - 22:32:49 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW  HARDLINK
Zizek ma na to vtip:
There is an old Jewish joke, loved by Derrida, about a group of Jews in a synagogue publicly admitting their nullity in the eyes of God. First, a rabbi stands up and says: “O God, I know I am worthless. I am nothing!” After he has finished, a rich businessman stands up and says, beating himself on the chest: “O God, I am also worthless, obsessed with material wealth. I am nothing!” After this spectacle, a poor ordinary Jew also stands up and also proclaims: “O God, I am nothing.” The rich businessman kicks the rabbi and whispers in his ear with scorn: “What insolence! Who is that guy who dares to claim that he is nothing too!”

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SYNAPSE CREATOR
 s7      07.06.2020 - 19:19:33 [10K] , level: 1, UP   NEW  HARDLINK
mazeltovcocktail.jpg

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      07.06.2020 - 18:39:09 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Elijah the Prophet in Minsk

A chassid went to the Baal Shem Tov in Mezhibuzh and said, “Rebbe, I want to see Elijah the Prophet.”

“It’s simple,” said the Baal Shem. “I’ll tell you what to do. Get two boxes and fill one with food and the other with children’s clothes. Then, before Rosh Hashanah, travel to Minsk. On the outskirts of town, right before where the forest begins, is a dilapidated house. Find that house, but don’t knock on the door immediately; stand there for a while and listen. Then, shortly before candle-lighting time at sunset, knock on the door and ask for hospitality.”

The chassid went home and told his wife he would be away for the holiday. “How can you leave your family?” she said. “The children want their father to take them to the synagogue!” He told her, “I have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Elijah the Prophet!” Finally, she agreed that it was something that he could not pass up.

So he went and did as the Baal Shem Tov told him. He filled the parcels with food and clothing and went to Minsk, where he found the broken-down house at the edge of town. He arrived shortly before evening and stood in front of the door, listening. Inside, he heard children crying, “Mommy, we’re hungry. And it’s Yom Tov and we don’t even have decent clothes to wear!” He heard the mother answer, “Children, trust in G‑d. He’ll send Elijah the Prophet to bring you everything you need!”

Then the chassid knocked on the door. When the woman opened it, he asked if he could stay with them for the holiday. “How can I welcome you when I don’t have any food in the house?” she said. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I have enough food for all of us.” He came in, opened the box, gave the children the food, and they ate. Then he opened the other box and the children all took clothes for themselves: this one a shirt, that one a jacket, the other one a hat. He was there for two days, waiting to see Elijah the Prophet. He did not even sleep. How could he sleep? How often do you get a chance to see Elijah the Prophet? But he saw no one.

So he returned to the Baal Shem Tov and said, “Master, I did not see Elijah the Prophet!” “Did you do everything I told you?” asked the Baal Shem Tov. “I did!” he said. “And you didn’t see him?” “No, Rebbe.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, Rebbe! I didn’t see him!” “Then you’ll have to return for Yom Kippur,” said the Baal Shem Tov. “Go back before Yom Kippur, with a box of food, to the same house. Again, be sure to arrive an hour before sunset, and don’t knock immediately. Wait for a while and just stand in front of the door, listening.”

The chassid went back to his wife and told her he would be away for Yom Kippur. “How can you leave your children again?” she asked. “But the Baal Shem Tov says I’ll be able to see Elijah the Prophet, like one of the great tzaddikim!” he said, “How can I not go?” His wife agreed that it was worth going away for two or three days if he could see Elijah the Prophet.

So he went back to Minsk before Yom Kippur. This time, he went earlier and stood in front of the door, listening. Inside he heard children crying, “Mommy, we’re hungry! We haven’t eaten the whole day! How can we fast for Yom Kippur?” “Children!” said the mother. “Do you remember you were crying before Rosh Hashanah that you had no food or clothes? And I told you, ‘Trust in G‑d! He’ll send Elijah the Prophet, who’ll bring you food and clothing and everything else you need!’ Wasn’t I right? Didn’t Elijah come and bring you food and clothing? He stayed with us for two days! Now you’re crying again that you’re hungry. I promise you that Elijah will come now, too, and bring you food!”

Then the chassid understood what his master, the Baal Shem Tov, had meant. And he knocked on the door.

Yitzhak Buxbaum
Artwork -"Eliyahu Hanavl (Elijah the Prophet)" - by Zalman Kleinman.

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      07.06.2020 - 16:03:10 [4K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
Mayer potká Kohna a říká mu: „Tak prý do nich nedávno uhodil blesk?“
Kohn na to: „Ani si nevzpomínám, po dvaceti letech manželství takové drobnosti ani nezaregistrujou...“

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slavisa rubinstein
 slavisa rubinstein      07.06.2020 - 11:56:41 [1K] , level: 1, UP   NEW
A man sees a pet store with a sign in the window that reads "Jewish Parrots For Sale." He goes in and asks to see the Jewish parrots. The owner shows him one and tells him, "This bird can sing every Torah portion and Haftorah with trope. He is $10,000. This other one can sing with trope, knows all the songs from the Seder and recite Talmud. He is a scholar of Rabbinic commentary and his specialty is Rashi. He is $50,000. This other one is $100,000." The man asks, "$100,000? What does he know?" The Pet store owner replies, "You know, I am not really sure, but the other two parrots call him 'Rebbe.'